Spoke Too Soon...
by Acacia Xavia
Summary: Voldemort, the Malfoys, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Snape in tight leather and...the Sexual Harrassment Panda? Looks like a challenge fic!


· Draco must say "Damn, the monkey bubbles are after me again."

· Snape must wear something tight and leather, but act as though nothing odd is going on.

· Harry must die

· Voldemort must say something about pink bunnies

· Justin Finch-Fletchley must get mad about cheese 

· Someone must eat pants

· Someone must die other than Harry

· Voldemort must be good – if only for two seconds

· Must end with the line "And THAT'S why I bought the Muggle radio for 652 Galleons and 62 cents."

Draco Malfoy had been bored out of his skull. He couldn't get Pansy Parkinson to leave him alone, for some odd reason. Ah well. At least she was female. She made for a good showing with the other Slytherin boys.

Then, all of a random sudden, Justin Finch-Fletchley came tearing like all hell along the wall behind the Slytherin table. Draco stared at the crazed Hufflepuff bearing down on him and his eyes grew very, very wide.

"Damn, the monkey bubbles are after me again…" was all he uttered, causing the fellow Slytherins to stare at him strangely before standing up quickly to get out of the way. Justin promptly tripped over Draco's vacated chair, ending up sprawled across the pale boy's chest. The enchanted cheese that Justin had been chasing escaped. "DAMN IT! WHO PUT THE SPELL ON THE CHEESE?!"

Draco, meanwhile, was a bit preoccupied with Justin's current position. "Oh my GOD, Justin," Draco drawled, "That is SO disgusting. You have no right to be making sexual advances on me!"

"But…"

"This is Sexual Harrassment…"

Then, for some random reason that no one could explain since they didn't watch Muggle TV sets too often, some guy in a panda suit burst into the Great Hall and started singing. ((A/N - SouthPark fans, this is yours!)) This, naturally, caused a massive uproar. Why? Because…well, anything that bursts into the Great Hall causes a massive uproar. Crabbe promptly leapt into Goyle's arm's saying "Oh my gods" over and over again. Draco rolled his eyes and muttered "Next time, I hire better lackeys." He then proceeded to yell "Avada Kedavra" and cause the panda to drop dead.

"Dude…you killed the panda."

"You bastard!"

"Stuff it," said Draco to the first-year Slytherin who had the nerve to call him a bastard. The he realized what the other kid had said, and made a mental note to do something mean, nasty, spiteful, and not-very-nice to the authoress for inserting the blatantly American word "dude" into what HAD to be a fanfiction.

Then he realized that for some odd reason, Justin hadn't gotten off of him yet. ((The authoress is now whistling innocently. Whoops…)) At the top of his lungs, Draco yelled what sounded suspiciously like "I'M TELLING MY FATHER!"

And with that, Lucius Malfoy burst through the Great Hall doors. Well, actually the doors were already open due to the psychotic panda, but one always has to burst through doors at Hogwarts - it's an unwritten law, and even if it WAS written, no one except for Hermione would read it.

Anycrap. Lucius Malfoy was now standing in the middle of the Great Hall. And he was fully prepared to kill whoever was harming his heir, when all of a sudden…

"LOOSH!"

…he was glomped from behind.

"Nice to…uh…see you too, Severus…" Lucius choked out. "However…breathing is considered by most to be a good thing…"

"Right." Severus Snape jumped off of his, erm, 'comrade' and dusted himself off - much to the horror of the students, since now they had a chance to observe the attire he happened to be wearing.

"Those are some…interesting…pants, Severus," Lucius said, trying his best to be half-way tactful. 

"What are you talking about?" Severus said, a blank look on his face. Lucius didn't really want to think about why Severus was suddenly pulling a John Travolta in tight leather pants, so he abruptly changed the topic.

"I understand through…well, through the same way I always seem to know how something is happening, even when I'm clear across the country…that someone is harming my son. I want to speak to the Headmaster. Well, actually I want to kill the Headmaster…rip…tear…deeeeeeeeeeeeestroooooyyyyy that Muggle-loving fooooooooooooooooooooooool…" Everyone was staring at him by this time, so he regained his composition and said, "I need to talk to him. Is he available?"

"Actually, he is. But Lucius, I think you need to know that he won't be too pleased to hear that you want to annihilate him…" Severus said, looking quite nervous all of a sudden.

"Does it look like I care what that barmy old codger thinks?"

"Watch it, Lucius…"

"I'll say what I damn well please. Now would you PLEASE point me in the direction of the Headmaster and life will be good."

"Okay…" Severus said hesitantly. He gestured towards the head table, where there was a surprisingly low amount of teachers and…

"Lord Voldemort!" Lucius exclaimed.

"You're a little behind the times, Father," Draco said. "He's been here for the last two years…"

"He has?!" Voldemort was joining everyone else in giving Lucius very odd stares.

"Yes, I have," Voldemort said. "Ever since Dumbledore took my pink bunny and I killed him. I LOVED THAT BUNNY!"

Lucius let out an audible gasp. "Dumbledore took Mr. Hunnybuns?!"

Voldemort put up one hand in a show of soap-opera-style dramatics. "No. Don't say any more. It hurts too much." Lucius nodded and bowed down in a sign of respect for the long-deceased animal, when all of a sudden from across the room there came a yell of

"YOUR MANGY RABBIT DESERVED IT!"

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shrieked at whoever had just screamed. However, he missed by about three feet and hit Harry Potter in the back of the head. Harry promptly flopped face-forward into his oatmeal.

"Sucks to be him," Pansy Parkinson sneered from the Slytherin table.

"SHUT UP, PANSY!" Justin screamed, finally getting off of Draco and pointing his wand at her. Unfortunately, all that happened was a pair of pants jumped out of the end of his wand and flung themselves down Pansy's throat.

"You made her eat pants," Voldemort whispered. Justin was afraid he was going to be Avada'd on the spot, until Voldemort said "Thank you SO MUCH! In celebration over that and the triumph over the now-dead Boy Who Lived, I say…PARTY, EVERYONE!"

And there was a rather noisy party. Lucius ended up SEVERELY liking the music that was blasting from nowhere. So much, in fact, that when he got home he ended up explaining to Narcissa,

"…And THAT'S why I bought the Muggle radio for 652 Galleons and 62 cents."


End file.
